So....
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A buddy of mine got his degree in Egyptology, but hasn’t been able to find any work. He’s back in school now so he can TEACH Egyptology to people who won’t be able to find jobs.
His entire career is a pyramid scheme.
It’s always something.
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Them: How much do you normally spend on a bottle of wine?
Me: 30 minutes max.
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Success is measured by your discipline and inner peace. – Mike Ditka
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Trains are just roller coasters that gave up on their dream and got a real job.
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After high school I worked at the mall for a year before going to college.
It was my Gap year.
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A large group of retailers under one roof.
If you’ve seen one you’ve seen a mall.
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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.
"What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes," he said.
She called the doctor the very next afternoon.
"How did it go?" he asked.
"Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!"
"Oh, no! What in the world happened?"
"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it."
Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging.
Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there right on top of the table.'Twas a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"
“Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?"
"Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin' here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in that Starbucks again."
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Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
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Q: What would you want to say to your dad if he were still alive?
Me: “Sorry I cremated you Dad, I honestly thought you were dead.”
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Why do roosters crow so damn early?
To get a word in before the hens get up.
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Stop me if I've told this before....
Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem. ”
Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem.”
"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says Morty.
"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.
"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, Fetch!"
Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,
"So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis.You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"
Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"
Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch."
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I told a joke on a zoom meeting and nobody laughed.
Turns out I’m not remotely funny.
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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words....
"Stop shaking the ladder you little prick."
