So....
-
CDC: “Avoid handshakes for the foreseeable future. “
Jeffrey Dahlmer: “Damn!”
** turns off blender**
-
A man goes into a bar with two Dobermans. He greets the bartender and orders a Scotch for himself and two martinis for the dogs. The barkeep, being a broadminded fellow, brings all three their drinks. They drink up, the man thanks the bartender, and they leave.
The following night the man returns, again accompanied by the Dobies. Again he orders a Scotch for himself and martinis for the dogs. Again they all drink up, the man thanks the bartender, and they leave.
This goes on for five nights. Orders, drinks, thanks, leaves.
The following evening the man comes in alone, carrying a white box. He says to the bartender, "I want you to know how much I appreciate your service. It isn't everywhere that my two friends are made to feel so welcome. This is for you." He hands the box to the bartender, who opens it to find a large lobster. "Oh, thank you!" he says. "We'll have him for dinner!"
The man says, "Oh, he's already eaten. Why don't you take him to a show?"
-
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "You look like you just lost your only friend. Want to talk about it?" The guy says "I just found out one of my two sons is gay." The bartender says "geez guy.. here, have another beer on the house."
The next night the guy comes in again. The bartender says "still sad? What else happened?" The guy says "I found out my other son is gay too.." the bartender says "good grief man, doesn't ANYONE in your family like women?" The guy says "yeah... my wife..." -
-
It’s always something.
-
-
@Axtremus Funny!!
-
Now That I'm Older
- My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
- Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now? Hey @Larry
- How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish - I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
- I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
- A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
- Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
- Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
- Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
- I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
- I loved approaching 70, I learned something new every day and forget 5 other things.
- A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
- I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
- Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
-
I was sitting at a bar last night and this Asian-looking fellow sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.
I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like kung fu, karate or ju jitsu.
He says, "No, WTF man? Are you asking because I'm Chinese?"
I said, "No, it's because you're drinking my beer."
-
So, I’m now my wife’s sexual advisor.
Just yesterday she told me when she wants my fucking advice she’ll ask for it.
