So....
-
Me: Finally gets 8hrs of sleep
My neck: Congrats but you did it wrong!
-
If I don’t sin, that means Jesus died for nothing.
-
I just filled in a CAPTCHA so tough it had me seriously considering the possibility that I’m a robot.
-
So....
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half-inch thick gold chain around his neck walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive his 2021 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will furnish your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges because the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... you started it."
-
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.
He’s a singer songwriter. Or sew it seams.
-
I remember the time I heard this joke for the first time. It was told to my by an ICU specialist from South Africa. We were in a bar, celebrating the end of my rotation in the ICU.
Now, this is a "cut and paste" but you have to imagine a guy with a South African accent telling this joke. Replace the "Vern" with a farmer from South Africa, and "nuts" with "testicles" - pronounces as "test-ICE-icles". The "pretzel hold" was the "pretzel grip" - and you had to "roll" the "r" in "pretzel" and "grip."
I spit beer all over the table.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
*A Russian & an American Hillbilly named Vern were set to square off for the Olympic wressling gold medal. Before the final match, Vern's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on thisRussian. He's never lost a match because of his 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Hillbilly nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Vern and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Vern and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Hillbilly collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got Vern alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
Vern answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.*
-
“Oh hell yes” - Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
-
Kids today have no idea that there was a short period in the early 90s where you could pull up next to someone in an intersection and ask for mustard.
It’s always something.
-
Kids today have no idea that there was a short period in the early 90s where you could pull up next to someone in an intersection and ask for mustard.
I worked with a plastic surgeon who owned a Rolls. It was a convertible.
The license plate said "SCHNOZZ."
One day, he was stopped at a light, and some kids pulled up at a light next to him and beeped.
"Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?"
He reached into the glove compartment and pulled out a jar.
At least, he claims that happened.
-
So, what do you call a physic dwarf escaping the law?
A small medium at large!! 5555
-
So… I was born a male and identity as male, but according to Stauffer’s Lasagna I’m a family of four.
-
Officer: “Sir, I hate to bring you this news, but it looks like your wife was hit by a bus”
Husband: “I know, but she takes it up the arse and is good with the kids.”
-
A Young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everthing under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just ONE?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son.”
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. The I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so i took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."
The Boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing'."
"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08
The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.
-
A Young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everthing under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just ONE?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son.”
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. The I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so i took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."
The Boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing'."
That old dog’s been around for decades…
Me/rry/Christmas
-
-
It’s always something.
