So....

[Catseye3]

A guy is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"I sure do," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"

"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."

[jon-nyc]

I found my first grey pubic hair today.

Normally these things don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

[George K]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

I found my first grey pubic hair today.

Normally these things don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

Inquiring minds want to know: Was it your pubic hair? If so, how did it get there?

[jon-nyc]

So I have a friend who drowned. A bunch of us got together and had a wreath made for the funeral, decorated to look like a life preserver.

I think it’s what he would have wanted.

[Catseye3]

@jon-nyc ROFL!

[jon-nyc]

I just finished writing a book on penguins.

But now that I think about it, it would have been much easier on paper.

[xenon]

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive… girls would find me very attractive.

[jon-nyc]

Lol

[xenon]

Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”

Interviewer: “I meant questions about the job.”

[George K]

@xenon said in So....:

Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”

Interviewer: “I meant questions about the job.”

Well, there's something I dare not post on FB....

[jon-nyc]

@xenon said in So....:

Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”

Interviewer: “I meant questions about the job.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Larry]

So.... the guy who invented the Ferris wheel never met the guy who invented the merry go round.

They traveled in different circles....

[George K]

I bought a new truck. It'll run on hydrogen, gasoline, or E85. Had to go back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated.

”Nelson,” the technician said to the radio. The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie? ”Willie” he continued, and “On The Road Again” flowed from the speakers. Then he said, “Ray Charles,” and in an instant “Georgia On My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away so happy, and for the next few days every time I'd say, “Beethoven” I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, “Beatles” I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Well, yesterday, this woman ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new truck, but luckily I swerved in time to avoid her. I yelled at her, “Crazy Bitch!”

The radio replied, “Hillary, Maxine, Kamala, Warren, Ocasio, or Pelosi?”

GOD, I love this truck!

[Catseye3]

Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock?

Because it's a little meteor.

[George K]

@catseye3 said in So....:

Because it's a little meteor.

Stealing that one for future use....

[jon-nyc]

I hate hotel bathrobes. So thick and fluffy I can barely close my suitcase.

[Larry]

I don't understand what's so great about Switzerland, although its flag is a big plus.

[Larry]

So... there was a kidnapping at the local high school today....

It's ok though, he finally woke up....

[Larry]

So.... You might bevamerican before you go in the toilet, but once you get inside European.

[George K]

@larry said in So....:

So.... You might bevamerican before you go in the toilet, but once you get inside European.

Until you're Finnish...