So....
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A guy is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"I sure do," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."
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I found my first grey pubic hair today.
Normally these things don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
It’s always something.
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So I have a friend who drowned. A bunch of us got together and had a wreath made for the funeral, decorated to look like a life preserver.
I think it’s what he would have wanted.
It’s always something.
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I just finished writing a book on penguins.
But now that I think about it, it would have been much easier on paper.
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Lol
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I bought a new truck. It'll run on hydrogen, gasoline, or E85. Had to go back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated.
”Nelson,” the technician said to the radio. The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie? ”Willie” he continued, and “On The Road Again” flowed from the speakers. Then he said, “Ray Charles,” and in an instant “Georgia On My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away so happy, and for the next few days every time I'd say, “Beethoven” I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, “Beatles” I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Well, yesterday, this woman ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new truck, but luckily I swerved in time to avoid her. I yelled at her, “Crazy Bitch!”
The radio replied, “Hillary, Maxine, Kamala, Warren, Ocasio, or Pelosi?”
GOD, I love this truck!
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Success is measured by your discipline and inner peace. – Mike Ditka
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I hate hotel bathrobes. So thick and fluffy I can barely close my suitcase.
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"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08
The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.
