So....

[Larry]

Knock knock.....

Who's there?

Grandpa.

Shit...... Stop the funeral!!

[Larry]

So.. I booked a flight today and the girl said "window or aisle?"

I said "Window or you'll what?"

[Larry]

So.. the feminist picnic was a total disaster...

None of them were willing to make sammiches...

[Larry]

This quarantine stay at home thing is apparently putting a real strain on many marriages.

But I'm happy to report that mine is going strong.. just this morning I woke up to find my wife holding a pillow tightly over my face... she was just trying to protect me from the virus..

[Larry]

You guys might know.... should the right testicle be bigger than the middle one?

Asking for a friend....

[jon-nyc]

A priest, a imam, and a rabbit go into a bar.

The bartender asks the rabbit, “what’ll you have?”

The rabbit says, “I don’t know, I’m only here because of autocorrect”.

[George K]

@jon-nyc

Saving that one for future reference....

[jon-nyc]

I called my wife and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

[Larry]

I overdosed on Viagra last week.

It was the hardest day of my life....

[Larry]

The Amish community had 20 cases of Corona yesterday.

They drank it all in a few hours though...

Man you should see the screwed up barn they built.....

[Larry]

They said they were feeling a little hoarse and buggy....

[Larry]

I read in the news that anagram lovers were more likely to get the virus if they were asked to spell "racoon"...

[Larry]

My doctor told me I have chronic constipation.

Personally, I couldn't give a shit.

[Catseye3]

A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint both crashed on an island. All the sailors were marooned.

[Larry]

So the guy who invented throat lozenges died the other day.

There was no coffin at his funeral....

[Larry]

So.. I asked my urologist if he could do a scrotal lift. He said "Yes, I've made a lot of money going for the low hanging fruit..."

[Larry]

I used to cry during sex......

But pepper spray doesn't bother me much any more....

[jon-nyc]

CDC: “Avoid handshakes for the foreseeable future. “

Jeffrey Dahlmer: “Damn!”

** turns off blender**

[Catseye3]

A man goes into a bar with two Dobermans. He greets the bartender and orders a Scotch for himself and two martinis for the dogs. The barkeep, being a broadminded fellow, brings all three their drinks. They drink up, the man thanks the bartender, and they leave.

The following night the man returns, again accompanied by the Dobies. Again he orders a Scotch for himself and martinis for the dogs. Again they all drink up, the man thanks the bartender, and they leave.

This goes on for five nights. Orders, drinks, thanks, leaves.

The following evening the man comes in alone, carrying a white box. He says to the bartender, "I want you to know how much I appreciate your service. It isn't everywhere that my two friends are made to feel so welcome. This is for you." He hands the box to the bartender, who opens it to find a large lobster. "Oh, thank you!" he says. "We'll have him for dinner!"

The man says, "Oh, he's already eaten. Why don't you take him to a show?"

[Larry]

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "You look like you just lost your only friend. Want to talk about it?" The guy says "I just found out one of my two sons is gay." The bartender says "geez guy.. here, have another beer on the house."
The next night the guy comes in again. The bartender says "still sad? What else happened?" The guy says "I found out my other son is gay too.." the bartender says "good grief man, doesn't ANYONE in your family like women?" The guy says "yeah... my wife..."