So....
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wrote on 6 Oct 2021, 14:24 last edited by
Every morning I announce to my family that I’m going jogging, but then I don’t.
It’s a running joke.
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It’s an unusual time we’re living in.
Safe at last.
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY anymore) and peeled the NRA sticker off my rear window.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flagpole.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.
I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat me down.
If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.
Hot Damn... Safe at last.
wrote on 7 Oct 2021, 00:34 last edited byIt’s an unusual time we’re living in.
Safe at last.
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY anymore) and peeled the NRA sticker off my rear window.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flagpole.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.
I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat me down.
If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.
Hot Damn... Safe at last.
That joke is 20 years out of date. Now, the rebel flag and NRA sticker are far more likely to get you flagged by the FBI as a terrorist. Protest a school board meeting and you’re under 24 hour surveillance.
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wrote on 7 Oct 2021, 01:07 last edited by
A guy is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"I sure do," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."
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wrote on 10 Oct 2021, 19:40 last edited by
I found my first grey pubic hair today.
Normally these things don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
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I found my first grey pubic hair today.
Normally these things don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
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wrote on 12 Oct 2021, 18:03 last edited by
So I have a friend who drowned. A bunch of us got together and had a wreath made for the funeral, decorated to look like a life preserver.
I think it’s what he would have wanted.
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So I have a friend who drowned. A bunch of us got together and had a wreath made for the funeral, decorated to look like a life preserver.
I think it’s what he would have wanted.
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wrote on 15 Oct 2021, 11:05 last edited by
I just finished writing a book on penguins.
But now that I think about it, it would have been much easier on paper.
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wrote on 15 Oct 2021, 18:01 last edited by
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive… girls would find me very attractive.
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wrote on 15 Oct 2021, 18:39 last edited by
Lol
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wrote on 15 Oct 2021, 22:21 last edited by
Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: “I meant questions about the job.”
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Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: “I meant questions about the job.”
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Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: “I meant questions about the job.”
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wrote on 16 Oct 2021, 19:38 last edited by
So.... the guy who invented the Ferris wheel never met the guy who invented the merry go round.
They traveled in different circles....
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wrote on 17 Oct 2021, 11:23 last edited by George K
I bought a new truck. It'll run on hydrogen, gasoline, or E85. Had to go back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated.
”Nelson,” the technician said to the radio. The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie? ”Willie” he continued, and “On The Road Again” flowed from the speakers. Then he said, “Ray Charles,” and in an instant “Georgia On My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away so happy, and for the next few days every time I'd say, “Beethoven” I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, “Beatles” I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Well, yesterday, this woman ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new truck, but luckily I swerved in time to avoid her. I yelled at her, “Crazy Bitch!”
The radio replied, “Hillary, Maxine, Kamala, Warren, Ocasio, or Pelosi?”
GOD, I love this truck!
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wrote on 17 Oct 2021, 23:09 last edited by
Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
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wrote on 18 Oct 2021, 20:04 last edited by
I hate hotel bathrobes. So thick and fluffy I can barely close my suitcase.
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wrote on 18 Oct 2021, 23:45 last edited by
I don't understand what's so great about Switzerland, although its flag is a big plus.