So....
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wrote on 5 Sept 2021, 01:49 last edited by
In retrospect, hiding the microchips in the horse dewormer was brilliant.
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wrote on 5 Sept 2021, 04:36 last edited by
The women of king Arthur’s court must have been happy….
….they Camelot.
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wrote on 9 Sept 2021, 23:48 last edited by
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Doyathinkhesaurus.
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wrote on 9 Sept 2021, 23:50 last edited by
I went to a zoo the other day.
It only had one animal.
A dog.
It was a shitzu.
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wrote on 10 Sept 2021, 00:13 last edited by
So I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?"
I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet."
Everyone laughed . . . well, everyone except this one guy.
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wrote on 10 Sept 2021, 13:28 last edited by
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one: they are very efficient and have no sense of humour.
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wrote on 11 Sept 2021, 15:23 last edited by
I just turned wine into vomit.
Your move, Jesus.
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wrote on 11 Sept 2021, 17:56 last edited by
Did you hear about Xerox and Wurlitzer merging? They are going to focus on reproductive organs.
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wrote on 13 Sept 2021, 09:11 last edited by
I went on a blind date once.
It didn’t start out that way but the bitch brought pepper spray.
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wrote on 18 Sept 2021, 16:10 last edited by
I dipped my ball in glitter this morning.
Pretty nuts.
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wrote on 19 Sept 2021, 15:43 last edited by
It’s an unusual time we’re living in.
Safe at last.
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY anymore) and peeled the NRA sticker off my rear window.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flagpole.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.
I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat me down.
If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.
Hot Damn... Safe at last.
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wrote on 21 Sept 2021, 02:17 last edited by
Male bees die after mating.
That's basically their life.
Honey, nut, cheerio.
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wrote on 21 Sept 2021, 11:34 last edited by
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wrote on 25 Sept 2021, 11:35 last edited by
Trampolines used to be called ‘jumpolines’ until 1953 when your mom first used one.
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wrote on 26 Sept 2021, 10:52 last edited by
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
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wrote on 4 Oct 2021, 11:43 last edited by
Why is there no mouse flavored cat food?
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wrote on 5 Oct 2021, 02:53 last edited by
I asked my trucker friend for today's date.
He said 10-4, good buddy.
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wrote on 6 Oct 2021, 14:24 last edited by
Every morning I announce to my family that I’m going jogging, but then I don’t.
It’s a running joke.
