So....

[jon-nyc]

I don’t always roll a joint.

But when I do it’s my ankle.

[jon-nyc]

So I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

[Catseye3]

When I was younger, I thought "Drink Responsibly" meant don't spill it.

[George K]

@catseye3 said in So....:

When I was younger, I thought "Drink Responsibly" meant don't spill it.

[jon-nyc]

In retrospect, hiding the microchips in the horse dewormer was brilliant.

[xenon]

The women of king Arthur’s court must have been happy….

….they Camelot.

[Catseye3]

What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

Doyathinkhesaurus.

[George K]

I went to a zoo the other day.

It only had one animal.

A dog.

It was a shitzu.

[Catseye3]

So I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?"

I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet."

Everyone laughed . . . well, everyone except this one guy.

[George K]

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one: they are very efficient and have no sense of humour.

[jon-nyc]

I just turned wine into vomit.

Your move, Jesus.

[LuFins Dad]

Did you hear about Xerox and Wurlitzer merging? They are going to focus on reproductive organs.

[jon-nyc]

I went on a blind date once.

It didn’t start out that way but the bitch brought pepper spray.

[George K]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

I just turned wine into vomit.

Your move, Jesus.

Stealing that one...

[George K]

I dipped my ball in glitter this morning.

Pretty nuts.

[George K]

It’s an unusual time we’re living in.

Safe at last.

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY anymore) and peeled the NRA sticker off my rear window.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.

Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flagpole.

Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.

I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat me down.

If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.

Hot Damn... Safe at last.

[jon-nyc]

Male bees die after mating.

That's basically their life.

Honey, nut, cheerio.

[LuFins Dad]

@george-k said in So....:

I dipped my ball in glitter this morning.

Pretty nuts.

To prepare for the Steelers Game on Sunday, I painted myself from head to toe in Black and Gold. When I came out of the bathroom my wife laughed and exclaimed “You’re nuts!” I replied “Sorry! Ran out of paint.”

[jon-nyc]

Trampolines used to be called ‘jumpolines’ until 1953 when your mom first used one.

[George K]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."