So....
-
wrote on 27 Jun 2021, 11:34 last edited by
Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says. “We only have one rule here in heaven, don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says. “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. And then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on – Very tall, long eyelashes. and muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says. “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says. “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
-
wrote on 27 Jun 2021, 22:47 last edited by
A frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is going meet a young girl.
The psychic tells him, "Yes, you are."
The frog replies, "Where? In a bar or at a party?"
The psychic says, "In biology class."
-
wrote on 28 Jun 2021, 00:16 last edited by
A guy goes into a bar with a frog on his shoulder.
The bartender said "hey, where'd you get that?"
The frog said "it started out as a wart on my ass."
-
wrote on 28 Jun 2021, 00:17 last edited by
A black guy goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender said "hey, where'd you get that?"
The parrot said... "Africa."
-
wrote on 4 Jul 2021, 16:42 last edited by
Not to get too technical or anything, but according to chemistry alcohol is in fact a solution.
-
wrote on 4 Jul 2021, 17:58 last edited by
So.... remember Bruce Lee?
How about his much faster, older brother Sudden?...... -
wrote on 4 Jul 2021, 18:04 last edited by
So as Thomas Jefferson famously said on July 3rd, 1776......
"Shit! That's due tomorrow??"....
-
wrote on 4 Jul 2021, 18:05 last edited by
PSA for today:
Guys with an eye patch and three fingers sell the best fireworks....
-
wrote on 4 Jul 2021, 18:14 last edited by
So.. I bought a wig today for a dollar.
It was a small price toupee........
-
wrote on 7 Jul 2021, 11:44 last edited by
So it turns out JPEG is not the Jewish dating app I thought it was.
-
wrote on 7 Jul 2021, 12:29 last edited by
My doctor told me to stop masturbating.
I asked for how long.
"At least until I'm done with your exam."
-
wrote on 11 Jul 2021, 02:31 last edited by
A new lego store just opened up in New York today.
People were lined up for blocks.
-
wrote on 11 Jul 2021, 11:24 last edited by
Three contractors bid to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.
-
wrote on 25 Jul 2021, 12:25 last edited by
Liam O’Toole applied for a forklift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to O’Toole and said: “Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Norwegian the job.”And why would you be doing that? replied O’Toole, “We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job?”
The manager responded, “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”
“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”That’s simple. On question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down – ‘I don’t know.’
You put down – ‘Neither do I.’
-
wrote on 25 Jul 2021, 13:06 last edited by
So...
Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there.
The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires.
They both scream, "What are you doing?!?" "Trying to get an adequate sample size!"
-
wrote on 26 Jul 2021, 09:48 last edited by
What if UFOs are just billionaires from other planets?
-
wrote on 28 Jul 2021, 19:26 last edited by Larry
I'm getting sick and tired of pretentious pricks trying to impress everyone by mentioning Mozart as if that makes them appear "cultured"...,,
When the assholes have probably never even seen one of his paintings.....
-
wrote on 28 Jul 2021, 19:30 last edited by
So.......
You'd think that by now Bon Jovi would be more than halfway there...
-
wrote on 28 Jul 2021, 19:34 last edited by
The most common cause of dry skin:
Towels
-
wrote on 28 Jul 2021, 19:40 last edited by
What's the most common cause of athlete's foot?
Just curious.
