So....

[Larry]

So.. i accidentally sprayed deoderant in my mouth...

Now I have a strange Axe scent....

[Larry]

Never buy flowers from a monk.

Remember - only YOU can prevent florist friars....

[Larry]

My wife: have you heard of Murphy's Law?
Me: yes.
Wife: what is it?
Me: if something can go wrong, it will.

Wife: have you heard of Cole's Law?
Me: No. What is It?
Wife: Thinly sliced cabbage...

[Larry]

Remember the guy named Ice Cube?

I don't want to say he's getting older, but hes now known as Warm Water...

[George K]

Rules for a successful marriage:

The couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. The husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.

"It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on."

"And you?"

"I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."

[jon-nyc]

My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine, it’s called “Why are you doing it that way?” and there are no winners.

[jon-nyc]

So... I baked some synonym buns today.

Just like the ones grammar used to make.

[Larry]

So.. I wasn't thinking and went to Target today wearing a red shirt...

To make a long story short.. I'm covering for Debbie this weekend.....

[George K]

@larry

Link to video

[George K]

When I was a young kid, I used to go to David’s barber shop. David used to whisper to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

So David put a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then called me over and asked, "Which do you want, son?"

I would always take the quarters and leave.

"What did I tell you?" said David. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer left, he saw me coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

I licked my cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

[George K]

Squirrels....

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

[Larry]

@george-k said in So....:

When I was a young kid, I used to go to David’s barber shop. David used to whisper to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

So David put a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then called me over and asked, "Which do you want, son?"

I would always take the quarters and leave.

"What did I tell you?" said David. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer left, he saw me coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

I licked my cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Little 5 year old Suzie goes with her daddy to the barber shop. Suzie, like most 5 year olds, is shy, and clings to her father. Shes eating a Little Debbie snack cake. When her daddy gets in the chair, little Suzie stands right up against the side of the chair so she'll be close to him. She's right under the barber's feet, and in his way. He needs her to move, but he doesn't want to make her cry so he says "honey, youre going to get hair all over your Twinkie."

Little Suzie looks up at the barber and says "yeah, I know. I'm going to get boobs too...,"

[Larry]

Little Johnny sees his mother as she gets out of the shower, points between her legs and says "Mommy, whats that?" His mother says "uh.... well honey, thats mommy's sponge."

Little Johnny says "ah.... the lady next door has a sponge too. I've seen daddy washing his face with it."

[Larry]

Ad for the Flat Earth Society:

"We have members all around the globe!"

[Larry]

Scientific fact:

It is impossible for a man to use a studfinder without first scanning himself with it and then announcing to the room "found one!"

[Larry]

Bubba went to Longhorns and ordered a huge ribeye steak.

After a while his waitress came to his table and asked "How did you find your steak, sir?"

Bubba said " I just looked next to the taters and there it wuz!!"

[Larry]

I was curious why there were so many stories about vampires in Europe, but none in Africa. Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.....

And as we all know.... they bless the rains down in Africa....

[Larry]

So.....

Never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them....

[Larry]

So.. today I passed a Ford car dealership named Harrison Ford. Huge building with huge blue letters that said Harrison Ford.

I thought "what's next - Liam Nissan?"

[Larry]

I wrote a book on reverse psychology.

Don't buy it.