Kass on Fake Italian Beef

[George K]

Fake Italian beef: What could go wrong?

Column: Fake Italian beef: What could go wrong?
John Kass
Chicago Tribune |

Apr 29, 2021 at 5:00 AM

The Italian Beefless, a new vegan sandwich by Buona, is seen at the company's Berwyn location on April 26, 2021.

I know there’s a lot of bad, terribly depressing news out there. You know it too. Tragedy, pain and violence.

Not to mention tax increases, too much federal spending with threats of inflation to come, wiping out your hard-earned savings.

It’s a feast of catastrophe.

But if you’re looking for something lighter, can we just skip bad news for a day and reach over into the merely disgusting breaking news department that’ll make you sick to your stomach?

I’m told there are some big, juicy iconic Chicago beef sandwiches that aren’t beef: The much-heralded “Italian Beefless” offered by Buona, a venerable Chicago company and leader in the Italian Beef Wars.

Yet since their Italian Beefless doesn’t include beef, I don’t even want to come anywhere near them.

Two Tribune editors whom I had trusted up until about five minutes ago said if I was going to write about beefless beefs, the proper journalistic thing to do was to try them myself. And then, only then, could I write about the experience.

“You should have a taste test,” said one of the formerly trusted. “Buy a real beef and a beefless beef and see if you can tell the difference.”

To irritate me further, the formerly trusted drove to Buona, purchased the fake beef and the real beef, and sent a photo. “Can you tell the difference?”

And the other editor I trusted once — but no longer — said our newspaper has standards and that I must practice sound journalism and taste them first. My answer? Let me rephrase that — my printable answer — no.

I’m the son of a butcher. I just grilled a real porterhouse steak the other night, rare, and topped it with blue cheese butter.

I eat real beef, not fake beef, and I don’t care what beef does or doesn’t do to the climate, and I find much of this anti-beef business highly political and controlling, like having to wear a mask outdoors while scooping up the leavings of Zeus the Wonder Dog in the parkway to avoid wide-eyed staredowns.

And yeah, they’re coming for your burger. And your milk. Dairy cattle allegedly are the worst offenders so I anticipate that Easter butter lambs and vanilla shakes are next.

Columns are opinion content that reflect the views of the writers.

According to the climate extremists, don’t we have only 12 years to live? So who cares?

For those worried of gaseous cow farts destroying the planet, I do have an answer:

Get a 50-gallon drum of anti-bloating Beano and just pour it into the cattle feeder. Problem solved.

But the editors kept saying I had to try it, making this a hostile work environment. And they had an edge in their pleasant-sounding words, like multi-gazillionaire Microsoft founder Bill Gates who plans to force synthetic beef on all of us whether we like it or not.

One of the editors tried the taste test on the family dog and even the dog could sniff out the fakeness.

“Like many plant-based ‘meats’ it tastes a little bland and the texture is spongy,” the editor wrote, as I threw up a little in my mouth. “Even my dog knew. I pulled a pinch from the real beef sandwich and one from the vegan sandwich, and I placed them on the kitchen floor. One remains there.”

We’re not trying to mock Buona for catering to the vegan market. It’s a growing market. More power to them. And Buona still makes one of the best real beef sandwiches in the city. I prefer the breadless bowl version because, well, carbs.

But if people want to eat a plant-based fake beef, this is a free country. If they want to call it Italian beef, go ahead. You want to mash shaved beets into pulp and call it beef, go ahead. Smash up some soybeans, call it beef and you’re a climate hero, like the teen from Sweden who became famous as our environmental Joan of Arc by shouting “How dare you!”

You can’t tell people what to call things or themselves. There were standards once, but standards are fungible. It’s like those angry communists calling themselves “progressives.” You can block them on Twitter, but you can’t really stop them. Beef? Beefless? Enjoy yourselves.

Besides, the Chicago Tribune already has experts getting paid to try the wretched, beefless goo.

“Overall, the Italian Beefless is still a terrific sandwich,” one of our food professionals reported. “Beautifully made, thoughtfully balanced. And far better than the many bland Italian beefs with which I have a beef across the city.”

I have had many good, honest beefs in Chicago, and my favorites happened to end up on the newspaper’s list of top beefs from Mr. D’s Shish-Kabobs with the best fries in the city (although I can’t refuse a souvlaiki) to Little Joe’s in Countryside and Tony’s Beef at 70th and Pulaski.

And I wouldn’t abuse those honest beef joints by asking for a beefless beef.

So much of this anti-beef business is regrettably emotional and political. Animal rights groups have put out a heartbreaking video of a calf taken from its mother, put into a trailer, with mama cow chasing after her calf and mooing sadly. Yes, it’s sad and heartbreaking with the depressing piano score.

It put a thought into my mind: The veal chops at Gene & Georgetti.

Sorry, but without truth, is there journalism?

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Editorial comment by me: Buona Beef is, imnsho, superior to Portillo's. The hot peppers are hotter, the beef is meatier, and the juice is beefier as well. I might try the "beefless" out of curiosity next time I order from them. I'll order another real beef, just in case.

Little Joe's is one of those hole-in-the-wall places that has great beef as well. Haven't tried them in a few years, but they had great greasy fries, iirc.

[George K]

I mean, c'mon man! Compare that picture to this:

[Horace]

There's a chance they might be able to make a reasonable fake italian beef or low-quality burger at some point. There is no chance they'll ever make a passable fake ribeye or porterhouse, not in our lifetimes.

[Mik]

George, you and Mr. Kass made my morning. There is still hope for the world.

[Loki]

@horace said in Kass on Fake Italian Beef:

There's a chance they might be able to make a reasonable fake italian beef or low-quality burger at some point. There is no chance they'll ever make a passable fake ribeye or porterhouse, not in our lifetimes.

I think you need to dig in on the meatless progress, it’s much further than you think but I agree with you on the second point.

But but but, I did a bourbon flight recently with others. I’ll just name two, one is Buffalo trace, my go to house bourbon. (Dont think Grant’s watered down panther piss). I put the trace up against Blanton’s and the trace was almost undrinkable. The next night I just had the Buffalo Traceand it regained its satisfying nature.

[Doctor Phibes]

@horace said in Kass on Fake Italian Beef:

There's a chance they might be able to make a reasonable fake italian beef or low-quality burger at some point. There is no chance they'll ever make a passable fake ribeye or porterhouse, not in our lifetimes.

Dude, they flew a helicopter on freaking Mars. There's every chance.

[Horace]

@doctor-phibes said in Kass on Fake Italian Beef:

@horace said in Kass on Fake Italian Beef:

There's a chance they might be able to make a reasonable fake italian beef or low-quality burger at some point. There is no chance they'll ever make a passable fake ribeye or porterhouse, not in our lifetimes.

Dude, they flew a helicopter on freaking Mars. There's every chance.

Just the variation from different breeds and different feeding methods, all that nature, is not going to be replicable in the lab. They'll eventually make something in the lab, but it'll be different. Not to worry though, there won't be a lack of folk eager to claim that it's actually better.