This Is Hell, Nor Am I Out Of It.

[Catseye3]

Tracfone obliterated my cellphone out from under me, forcing me to get another kind. So I did. There were 150 kinds and I picked the one with the prettiest screen.

No, I'm kidding. Even I'm not that hopeless.

They told me free delivery, two days. Which was true; they just didn't tell me it would take another two days for them to send it out. But anyway, compared to what awaited me, this was a bagatelle.

The thing arrived, Moto G by name. This is supposed to be hip and jivey, I guess. For god's sake, it's a cellphone, not the 82nd Airborne.

That was three days ago. It has taken me this long to figure out how to "activate" it and locate my phone number -- assigned to me by the Tracfone people and buried fathoms deep in the guts of Moto. Of course it would've been too much to include a HELPFUL TIP ON WHERE TO FIND THE GODDAMN THING. Midway through the second day of Googling 500 sites to help me decipher this amazing thing (in a BAD, a VERY BAD, way) I'm screaming, "Hey, assholes! Wanna know how I activated my landline? Huh? I picked up the fucking handset!"

Tell you what: Cellphones are insane.

You probably are unaware of this. You are the frogs been warmed up gradually in the hot pot of water soon to be boiling on the stove; you are innocent and unaware of the evil to which you have been subjected all these years. Every new phone has 27 new apps for your delectation, including a direct line to the federal football. Ha! Didn't know that, did you? Because it's so diabolically concealed in the guts of your phone that no one will ever, ever, find it.

NEVER.

My Moto doesn't have a camera. No, it has FIVE CAMERAS, including a wide-lens! That's right. Imagine my joy, knowing that no matter what wonders I behold from now until the end of my life (or until Tracfone cancels this phone, when I will visit them in person with a bomb in my shoe, same difference) I will have five cameras to capture them. How did they know I needed five cameras? Have I been missing something all this time? Do YOU need five cameras?

And many other wonderful apps, all equally superfluous fabulous.

These days have been horrible. My eyes are red and bleary, body all achin' and wracked with pain, nerves shot. -- all to wend a tortured path through 100 steps back to get to the thing before in order to get to the thing before. And none of which I fucking needed.

If that ain't an exercise in insanity, I don't know what is.

I know this, though. I know I hate this GODDAMN FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT GODDAMN GONE-TO-HELL FUCKING cell phone with the scorching heat of a thousand suns. Cameras and all.

Save yourselves! Do not let me descend into this pit of madness and howling despair for nothing! It's not too late! Flush those demonic devices! Breathe! Breathe, my children!

Well, actually it probably is. Y'alls brains are probably beyond salvation.

[bachophile]

enjoy your phone

[Horace]

You know the old saying, "a meme is worth a wall of words". Have you considered translating this message into a meme?

[George K]

This is the funniest thing I've read all day.

[kluurs]

Yeah, but how do you feel about the phone?

[Catseye3]

@bachophile: enjoy your phone.

That's cold, Bach.

Funny, though.

[Catseye3]

@Horace Done!

[Jolly]

I carry a MotoG, and I use Straight Talk, which for $35/month is unlimited talk/text and more data than I ever use. I 've had the service for years, primarily because they used AT&T towers (same as Tracphone). Then they swapped to Verizon and I have dead spots all around me.

I like the Motorola. Great battery life. If I just had decent service...

Maybe there is an unwritten cellphone law which states you can't have both.

[Catseye3]

@kluurs: Yeah, but how do you feel about the phone?

Yeah yeah yeah, very funny.

[George K]

I use MintMobile for service - they use T-Mobile towers. In my location, service is good.

4GB data, unlimited talk, text, 5G or 4G LTE

$15 a month. for three months, then it goes up to $25 a month. If you prepay for a year, it's $180 for the year. That's what Mrs. George has
$20 a month for 10 GB (my plan) with similar increase unless you go for the entire year's service.
$30 for unlimited.

[Mik]

I just checked my coverage, and we each use about 10GB monthly. At $90 flat for three lines, that's not bad. Better coverage in rural areas than Mint I saw.

[Catseye3]

@Jolly I use Straight Talk, which for $35/month is unlimited talk/text and more data than I ever use.

Thanks, Jolly. I've bookmarked this, for use in the extremely unlikely event I will figure out how to use the phone.